My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Send help, water and tortillas.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
