I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
