I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
