Sponge bath it is.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Welp...herpes.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
