Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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