I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize