plz talk dirty to me
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize