I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
