if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
