I am puke
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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