Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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