i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
