just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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