i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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