my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
