is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize