Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
