Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
