I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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