So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
