I got chris browned last night
I cannot find my penis.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's shark week go big or go home
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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