my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
