If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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