I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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