I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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