did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
