Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
