He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize