Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
