I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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