I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
