Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize