i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
my liver is dry heaving
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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