Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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