wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
