remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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