Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
