So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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