Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
