it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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