I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize