I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
