Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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