Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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