Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
