Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
