HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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