I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
it's like iHOP with fire
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
