Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
