so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I need to sanitize my soul.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
