dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
