you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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