I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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