I think I won the penis lottery.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
