So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
