I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Randomize
