need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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