I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
