i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
