I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Randomize
