I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
