The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
