I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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